I’m sick, which means my ass is even lazier. Sorry for no updates. The post-nasal drip is excruciating.

Peace out, homies. Or, as they say in net slang, BBS.

Posted by Mike Matthews in Personal at 8:18 PM PST

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Many of you know of my fond affection for right-wing loon/commentator Ann Coulter. Let’s just say my interests in this perfect specimen of Hitler-genetics go well into the perverse. I love Ms. Coulter in a sorta bind-her-and-gag-her kinda way. The perfect woman with whom to have quite a bit of fun. Loosen the old broad up and give her MY interpretation of “girlie man” liberalism!

So I love me some Ann Coulter. Even when she says obscenely stupid things like this:

In the Iraq war so far, the U.S. military has deposed a dictator who had already used weapons of mass destruction and would have used them again. As we now know, Saddam Hussein was working with al-Qaida and was trying to acquire long-range missiles from North Korea and enriched uranium from Niger.

To her credit, “the U.S. military has deposed a dictator who had already used weapons of mass destruction.” Whether he “would have used them again,” as Fraulien Coulter suggests, is unknown. (Note: I suppose it doesn’t matter that most of Saddam’s WMD usage occured on the watch of her hero, President Ronald Reagan, who obviously could’ve given two shits about the matter.)

Now on to the faults of Coulter’s screed. I was pretty sure the Iraq-Al-Qaeda link had been swiftly debunked. And Iraq attempting to purchase “long-range missles from North Korea?” Per the conservative Washington Times, all I could find was Saddam’s attempt to purchase medium-range missles, which subsequently weren’t delivered anyhow after US pressure. And enriched uranium from Niger? It’s true Saddam was attempting to go forward with technologies to attempt to build a nuclear weapon, but I thought the Iraq-Niger connection was also moot as well?

You’re a crazy, loony bitch, Ann Coulter. But I would wine and dine you like no other. Hit me up, babe. Let’s make a date.

Posted by Mike Matthews in Craziness at 10:52 AM PST

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Here. Expand your horizons and read a bit about one of my favorite singer-songwriters, Joe Henry, who’s found quite a niche in the production realm these days.

After reading the article, download one of his songs I highlighted earlier this year.

Posted by Mike Matthews in Music at 10:18 PM PST

Talk dirty to me »

Imagine this scenario. I would ask you to close your eyes to heighten the experience, but I do realize you wouldn’t then be able to read it. Here goes.

Imagine…
You walk into any one of those obscenely humongous warehouses where electronics are sold. Take your pick. Circuit City, Best Buy…whatever. However, before entering you have to climb over a pile of worthless, smelly assholes camping outside in 30-degree, pouring weather for a piece of action. No, not pussy. The type of action these sophomoric Revenge-of-the-Nerds rejects are looking for is a highly coveted X-BOX 360, released today around the world.

In this country, I believe OVERconsumerism is an unhealthy obssession. Unfortunately most of us, myself included, fall victim to it without ever recognizing it. How else could my CD collection blossom to such magnificent proportions?

It just goes back to the mental image of having to witness a line of assholes camped out to buy a piece-of-shit video-game system that will merely become obsolete when the next Big Thing is released in another year. I’m a glutton myself, but at least food tastes good. Can someone please explain to me the appeal of these $400 wastes of space?

Perhaps I’m sour because I missed a perfect opportunity to earn some quick cash in this hedonistocally capitalist society. Had I acted more expeditiously I would’ve seen a good thing much earlier. These pieces of shit are selling for more than a grand on eBay! I could have gone into short-term debt by purchasing about 10 of these paperweights and then turned a $6000 profit — even more after seeing some of those auctions nearing the $2000 mark!

I’ve neglected the title of this post — Why the terrorists hate us.

In the months and years following 9/11, pundits on both side of the aisle have attempted to define and explain why the terrorists do the fucked up shit they do. Those on the left say we should attempt to “understand” them. Those on the right want to “blow ‘em up.” I fall somewhere in the middle.

However, I think I now know why the terrorists hate us. This is my unscientific theory here, so don’t go all apeshit on my ten-acre ass.

The reason the terrorists hate us is because we’ve got cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit assholes waiting in freezing rain for a video game system! Yes! That’s it! I validate this theory as conclusive fact that the terrorists have taken note of our worthless, pathetic lives and decided to take immediate corrective and preventive action to cure our assholery! Planes in buildings? Bring ‘em on! Powder in our mail? Gimme a mirror, razor blade and rolled-up dollar bill! Dirty bombs in subways? I understand, al-Qaeda! You’re trying to save us from ourselves!

Osama bin Laden, your Nobel Prize is in the mail. Along with the rebate for your recently purchased X-Box 360.

Posted by Mike Matthews in Dumb stuff at 6:13 PM PST

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My inner-Jew is giddy with delight at this moment. Rock on, rabbi!:

The leader of the largest branch of American Judaism blasted conservative religious activists in a speech Saturday, calling them “zealots” who claim a “monopoly on God” while promoting anti-gay policies akin to Adolf Hitler’s.

Rabbi Eric Yoffie, president of the liberal Union for Reform Judaism, said “religious right” leaders believe “unless you attend my church, accept my God and study my sacred text you cannot be a moral person.”

“What could be more bigoted than to claim that you have a monopoly on God?” he said during the movement’s national assembly in Houston, which runs through Sunday.

Disclaimer: I do realize there are loony Jews as well as loony Christians. No need to call me out on my bullshit. I’m already privvy to it.

Posted by Mike Matthews in Religion at 10:27 AM PST

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I’ve given Bush a hard time in the past over the cost of gas. I just like blaming him for everything, even the irrational things I know he hardly controls.

But now I find myself eating my words. I must thank the president for doing his part in getting gas prices to dip below the $2 mark at some neighborhood stations. And, as thanks, I offer him this proposal:

Mr. President, if you get gas prices below $1 a gallon, I will personally come to the oval office and perform oral sex on you! Yes, I will! I know you may not be into that stuff, and neither am I. But, I think you need a little tension release. We all know precious little Christian wife Laura ain’t givin’ it to ya! You help me out in the wallet, I’ll help you out in the pants. I’ll even swallow. If I get a drop on me, I’ll promise to burn the outfit and not save it for your impending impeachment.

Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures!

Posted by Mike Matthews in Filth at 10:13 AM PST

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For the tin-foil hat wearing crowd, I’m sure you’ll enjoy this image as much as I have. Be sure to read the fine black print at the bottom. It makes it all worth the effort.

Thanks to high school buddy Andy for providing me with this slice of humor.

Also, via Feministe, a clip of FOX’s tv show Trading Spouses that explicitly outlines why crazy, fundamentalist Christians must be executed and cremated! This may win my award for video clip of the year. Pay attention to the last 30 seconds. Though loony Momma threw the money in the faces of FOX’s production team, it seems a good Christian will still sell out.

(Note to crazy, fundamentalist Christians: I don’t actually want you to die. Perhaps a couple firm lashes of the switch, but not death.)

Posted by Mike Matthews in Common Sense at 9:32 AM PST

Talk dirty to me »

For you Harry Potter nerds out there, Dave Ryan of Foreign Perspective already has a mini-review of the flick.

I’ve stayed away from the whole HP phenomenon. I was dragged by some friends to the second film. I fell asleep. Needless to say, I won’t be venturing to check out this installment. But give Dave’s site a read. It’s always a good stop for some snarky intelligence.

Posted by Mike Matthews in Movies at 10:27 AM PST

3 Comments | Gimme some more »

As you can see, I’ve been neglecting this blog of late. I know. I know. Posting infrequently is a good way to get you all to stop joining me here, but that isn’t my intention. As usual I’m just a big, fat lazy bitch, caught up in the interminable joys of a relentlessly boring life.

Which is why I don’t spend my days off filling this blog up with useful bullshit. No, I spend my days off surfing the web for the best in mindless brain candy. Time that could be spent constructively looking for a better paying job with benefits is spent seeking out midget porn and granny porn. Not to mention my attempts to locate sound and video files of those who can fart the Top 40. You know, the good stuff!

But I think I’ve reached the end of perversion on the internet. And I need more!

Which is why I’m now asking for your help. In the comments section please provide me with the link to an off-the-wall, filthy, obscene, stupid or vile website that you like to frequent. I’ve already got Rotten.com bookmarked, so don’t send me that one.

In return for your helping me out, I offer to you two of my favorite, guilty pleasure sites with an abundance of filth and trash!

Interested in catty celebrity news? Well head on over to PerezHilton.com, the home of the long-lost Cuban “cousin” of Paris Hilton. Beware, though, this site’s pretty damn busy. When you visit it may be very slow.

Entensity is my favorite. For some of the best and worst A/V clips on the web you need look no further than this site. Wednesdays are always a good day to visit. You’ll see why.

Jaime Anne provided you miscreants homework earlier this week. Now this is my assignment. Hop to!

Posted by Mike Matthews in Filth at 9:38 AM PST

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Oil execs met Cheney task force

***YAWN!***

Posted by Mike Matthews in General at 2:17 PM PST

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I suppose this was bound to happen. It seems the topic of blog comments has roiled up the Delaware blogosphere these past couple of days. Whether it be the use of IP addresses by multiple users (personalities) or comments getting deleted, this is the moment I’ve dreaded for a while. But I think now more than ever it’s become a necessity. Perhaps I should just point you to PolitaKid’s policy. In fact, I think I’ll even steal some of his wording:

If you want to disagree with me or another commenter, go right ahead. But please make an argument and explain why you disagree with that person. Saying “so-and-so is a stupid idiot” is a waste of your time and ours. Any comments like that will be deleted. I also do not tolerate comments that are libelous and/or contain offensive language.

This seems good, though I will concede I don’t mind pissy name-calling if the commenter does eventually make a point. It has NEVER been my intention to censor ANYONE on this site. I often bite my teeth when some of you go off on non-sensical rants. The reason? I really don’t give a shit. If you want to piss each other off that’s fine with me. But here’s what I am asking: Piss each other off with a higher amount of respect. I won’t name names, but some of you can delve deep into reams of blathering text that have nothing to do with the respective post topics. I’m sure you know who you are. I’d just like to see a bit more decorum on this here aggregate of filth.

Finally, I feel I must discuss the Jaime Anne situation. Ms. Earnest deleted some comments last night that she felt were a bit strong on her. I responded that I totally disagreed with her actions, though I have since implemented this rule: The person who post a blog entry has total authority over its comments. Which means, my posts’ comments will be moderated by me and the post comments of fraulein Jaime Anne will be handled by her. And please don’t try to circumvent your feelings to another post should your comments be deleted.

It is not my intention to dictate how Jaime Anne handles the comments of her respective posts. I specifically invited her to write on this site for the sole purpose of pissing people off. I think she’s more than fulfilled that wish in the week or so that she’s been writing. I’m kind of grooving on her anyway. Those of you who wish to see her banished will have to wait just a little longer. I like our spank sessions too much to ditch her at this juncture.

It’s comforting knowing it took almost a year before a commenting policy became necessary.

So let’s have fun. But try and play nice. If you can’t play nice, please make your assholery sound somewhat intelligent. And please, don’t anyone take this personally.

Posted by Mike Matthews in General at 11:24 AM PST

21 Comments | Gimme some more »

I had a great time at last night’s Delaware Press Association panel discussion on blogging. The drinks were good and the company was fierce! Finally got to meet the sexy and feisty Jaime Anne Earnest, co-blogger of this here blog. Also met Ryan S. from Jokers to the Right and Al Mascitti, columnist for The News Journal. I met Dana again. I’m upset I didn’t get to shake the hand of the great PolitaKid. I suppose I was enjoying the drinks and “light fare” a bit too much.

Anyhow, I’ll be gone the next four days, on an extended weekend to NYC. Jaime Anne’s taking over. So holla at mah girl to get the 411.

Talk to you all soon.

Posted by Mike Matthews in Friends at 5:30 PM PST

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