FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT:
Mike Matthews
Down with Absolutes!
302.547.xxxx
downwithabsolutes@gmail.com
http://www.downwithabsolutes.com
Blogger Dave Burris Confirms Relevance of Blogger Mike Matthews
In what is turning into a battle royale in the Delaware political blogosphere, Delaware Politics blogger Dave Burris has confirmed that Down with Absolutes! blogger Mike Matthews has regained his relevance. After threatening Matthews with a subpoena should he not give up the name of a source from whom he received a photograph of a haggard-looking Bill Lee, Burris has re-energized Matthews’ readers and shot his site’s hits and unique visitors through the roof.
“Most people have been pissed at me these past few months because I’ve been unable to maintain the site,” said Matthews, sitting at his desk in his mother’s den. “I was working two jobs totaling nearly 80 hours a week and the blog definitely had to take a backseat.”
Matthews, who just came off a five-month stint in a long-term teaching position, says the controversy couldn’t have come at a better time.
“My last day was Friday and this thing blew up yesterday,” Matthews says in regards to his receipt of an email by Burris demanding the name of his source. “Though I still work the part-time job flipping burgers and scraping shit off of bathroom stalls, I’m now able to reclaim the relevance Dave Burris has afforded me.”
Matthews says the past few months have seen his site stall at around 600 hits on most days, with barely half of those hits from unique visitors. The past two days, though, have seen his hits reach nearly 4000 and his unique visitors hit more than 1400.
“This is huge,” said Matthews. “I’ve been irrelevant for the past five months and this action by Dave Burris seems to have launched me into the stratosphere once again.” Matthews says the controversy has also helped his social life. “I’ve had Cingular for nearly two years and never once have I gone over. Well, except for that time in Ireland. But my shit’s been ringing off the hook so much I may have to dip into my rollover this month!”
Matthews says he’s ready to reclaim his title as Delaware’s Most Awesomest Blogger and will soon challenge Dave Burris’ ass to a hot dog eating contest.
“Two big guys towering above six-feet,” said Matthews. “This is how we should really settle the score. Just don’t show up in your expensive suit and well-coiffed hair, Davey boy!”
To which Dave Burris replied, “Bring it, bitch,” said Matthews.
All inquiries should be directed to either the Delaware GOP, the Campaign to Elect Bill Lee Governor, or the Delaware Taxpayer Coalition.
-END-
Above: Photo courtesy of The News Journal and not an anonymous source. Please forward all requests and threats of subpoena to email address above.
Posted by Mike Matthews in Parody
